OkCupid: Notes from the Field

As a proud member of the blogosphere, I’ve read a lot across the years about the mysterious rituals of online dating. Just this morning, I read another article about how one man bravely went undercover as a woman on OkCupid and discovered “shocking results” that most women have been talking about since the dawn of these websites: that shit cray. Everybody already knew it. But as an aspiring writer and a seeker of knowledge, I felt compelled to explore all the strange and exotic niches of human nature. I simply had to see this for myself.

Guys, I did it- in a moment of boredom and curiosity, I actually made a profile on OKCupid for one day. I laughed, I laughed till I cried, and then I laughed some more. Seriously, if you ever find yourself at a loss for entertainment, go make a profile. There’s nothing quite as surreal as looking down at your phone and receiving a notification that brOwnguy messaged you.

And then you open the message, browse the profile…

The resulting facial expressions are almost palpable and completely involuntary. Luckily, disturbing internet research is a daily part of my summer job description, so my facial muscles have been training for this moment. Without further ado, I bring you the fruits of my labors.

Opening Messages:

“Looks do not matter to me it’s all about personality.

What’s your bra size?”

LAWLS. LAWLS FOR DAYS. #cognitivedissonanceproblems

“?

??

???”

“Honestly I want you for your body”

“Hey let’s get to know each other.

Send me some pics”

It’s been said before, and I’ll say it again…

“Are poop jokes punable?”

The “My Self-Summary” Section:

“Just another stoner with a heart of gold”

“meh. ooo shiny”

Are you…Smeagol?

“I wish there were people who loves Asians in Georgia but I’ll have to live with this southern/redneck state”

 “I’m a super-slow typer. I typing devastatingly slow.”

The cards were stacked against him. This man overcame life’s obstacles to create this profile. He struggled. He overcame.

“Some people say my beard is a work of art.”

“When I’m not building the house, I enjoy volunteering for a company called Trees Atlanta, I figure if keeping healthy means activity, then this is like killing two birds with one stone, metaphorically.”

WHEW, I AM SO GLAD THAT YOU ARE NOT ACTUALLY KILLING TWO BIRDS WITH A STONE WHILE YOU PLANT TREES. Had me worried for a sec with your #counterproductiveenviromentalism

“Herpes is in remission, and I know how to cook. I’m kidding about the herpes- it is not in remission.”

“Holla at a playa if you interested”

“I’m really eccentric most people have these awesome role models like president Barak and Michelle Obama, mines are Mr Krabs.’

” I am all you’ve ever wanted…what all the other boys all promised.”

“I’ve once had a man from Israel tell me that I’m more awkward than him”

“I panty drop for Andrew Lloyd Webber”

I’m really good at:

Dissecting placentas 

High fives and butt slaps

Grilled cheese. I can grill a hell out of  a cheese.

Next time I need to exorcise my cheese, I’ll give you a call.

Organizing the skittles into groups of each color…
I can do it with M&M’S too.

Wow, much skill. Such impressive.

LOVE MAKING O_O

The first thing people notice about me: 

My small little nose

My giant lap hog

Is that…

“spanish girl on the bus in 9th grade said my eyes were beautiful and big and then she patted me on the head”

“My big butt; its’ a family curse damn it”

“I’m just a human costume filled with bees. If you get real close and listen, you can hear them buzzing around inside of me.”

I spend a lot of time thinking about:

“Dat butt tho”

“Pole dancing. For me, not for you.” 

The most private thing that I’m willing to admit:

“I once walked into my friends bedroom only to find his dogs doing it doggy style…I will never forget the look they both gave me.”

“I’m not an illegal alien so you can bring me home to your family and I did not hop over the border”

The “You  should message me if” Section:

“Please Don’t ever never everrrrr think I’m “Indian” please Don’T” 

“You are under attack by some sort of marmot. Because that would be impressive in Georgia”

This guy sets high standards for his lady friends.

But then there were an ingenuous few who defied their humble surroundings and actually made sense. A little too much sense…

What I’m doing with my life:

Trying to weave the ephemeral strands of my identity into a coherent whole and seeking to construct a sense of self through materialistic self-indulgence, while suppressing my natural concern that I will be sucked into the soulless void inherent to consumerist culture and become afflicted with a deep existential malaise that cannot be medicated with ice cream.

I’m really good at:

Real talk, I make the best macaroni and cheese dish you’ve ever had. I’ve been perfecting it for years: it has an aged cheddar cheese sauce inside with toasted japanese panko crumbs on top for texture. I’m on another level with this.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit:

I once crossed the Mojave Desert at night to get Internet Access (I may have a problem)

I spend a lot of time thinking about: 
WHY DIDN’T THE EAGLES FLY FRODO TO MORDOR
I’m afraid we’ll never know…
Oh yes, the macaroni and cheese was tempting.
But don’t worry, I got out of there in time to save myself.
In conclusion:

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